DEFINING AMBIGUOUS LOSS
Your marriage of 15 years suddenly ends - your husband is alive, but no longer in your life. Your mum has a history of substance abuse and her behaviour is unpredictable and inconsistent. Dementia or other neurological disease has profoundly impacted one of your close relationships where you are no longer able to converse like before. Or, someone you love has gone missing without explanation.
Ambiguous loss is a term defined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s to describe a loss that isn't clear.
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Broadly speaking, it relates to a loss that does not involve death and is ambiguous in some way, with uncertainty surrounding the loss.
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Ambiguous loss, with its profound emotional impact, frequently lacks the necessary support systems for those affected, including individuals experiencing it and their friends and family, particularly in the context of illness. The incremental losses caused by neurological conditions like a stroke or dementia, or things like relationship breakdowns are frequently overlooked or denied, making it increasingly difficult to deal with as an individual experiencing it.
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THE MANY FACES OF AMBIGUITY
It can be helpful to understand the different types of ambiguous loss before we consider how to effectively cope with them, or support someone that is experiencing it.
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Type 1 - Physically absent, but psychologically present.
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Type 2 - Psychologically absent, but physically present.
Type 1 - Physically Absent
This is when a person you have a relationship with or care about is no longer around (physically absent) - but still remains in your heart and mind (psychologically present).
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Examples include:
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Relationship breakdowns - divorce, friendships, or family members.
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Workplace loss - when a friend or mentor is no longer around or available.
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A person goes into a care setting such as an aged care facility or retirement village.
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A catastrophic event such as missing persons or kidnappings.
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Relocation or when someone moves away.
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Sudden unemployment or redundancy.
Type 2 - Psychologically Absent
This is when a person you have a relationship with or care about is still present with you physically - but is not psychologically present in the same way they were before.
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Examples include:
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Mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, and other psychological absenteeism resulting in withdrawal or inability to connect.
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Emotional absence in a relationship where they can no longer connect with their partner.
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Acquired brain injuries or brain diseases such as dementia, stroke, or other neurological conditions.
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Mental illness such as bipolar or schizophrenia.
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Substance abuse or addiction when one's mind and emotions are consumed by the addiction.
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Obsessive habits such as gaming or gambling mean a person is no longer present in a relationship as they once were.
Ambiguous loss is a typical, expected grief response to situations that are both complex and painful. Feelings and emotions can be mixed, contradictory or difficult to identify.
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There are a few reasons why ambiguous loss is different from the grief that is experienced when someone passes away.
Ambiguous loss is:
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Often not recognised by the person who is experiencing it, or others.
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Not validated by way of rituals.
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Ongoing, with no clear 'end' in sight.
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Often related to situations that are uncertain and may result in the search for answers.
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Not often socially validated.
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EMPOWERMENT THROUGH AMBIGUOUS LOSS
Need support to live better with ambiguous loss or to support someone who may be experiencing it?
There are practical guidelines and strategies for identifying and living better with ambiguous loss that I teach in my workshops and coaching sessions. Upon completion, you will:
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Understand and identify ambiguous loss in its common forms.
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Gain practical tips, access a curated list of resources, and learn about real-life stories and personal accounts of ambiguous loss to help you or someone you know navigate the uncertainty.
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Discover effective coping mechanisms including the value of support networks and the importance of connection in building resilience.
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Learn how to embrace acceptance, and seek alternative help when necessary.
Book a 1:1 Coaching Session or 3hr x 3-day Training Workshop to learn more about Ambiguous Loss.
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